Today is one of those days that happens once every few weeks or even months. I can breathe, I can feel and still breathe…..I can think things, feel things and still breathe….I can do things, and think and feel and breathe and wow it’s like lift off….I’m living and experiencing and loving it.
That moment before I have to start keeping myself in check and be mindfull that this could be one of those usual times where I go overboard…the moment before having to be sensible…..it feels so lush, so amazing and all the previous pain and suffering and suffolcating and confusion in chaos in my mind and body all almost I can taste it just about becomes worth it….for seeing this…..My light!
This is the valuable time I get that makes me me helps me see all I can be all I want to be and savours all that I live for like a well learnt rest, a snuggle in bed with my children or a yummy desert after a long hard course of eating only health foods….you know……I think I DO bottle it! It must be what keeps me going…just remembering this euphoria!?
I’m here, with my children…the younger ones….watching them and joining in with them genuinely enjoying sharing their joy as they play and reap the fun on tap at their favourite giant soft-play-bumper-cars-merrigoround-place-of-kids-dreams-come-true.
I love seeing them happy and I’m loving being able to feel it and bask in the delight, being a part of it I feel blessed to and I don’t have to pretend or force my smile or drag myself to do things as they request me to join them…..As I never want to let them down you know!…I always push myself to keep them seeing me happy…..
I know what it’s like to care so much when you live with a chronic illness that you learn how to look happy…How to look like you’re functioning…appear like you’re living. Its not for any social media platform though! THIS IS my real-life reality….. of video streaming…..all my actions and self like an outerbody experience being recorded in my mind and critiqued by myself as I go along to keep myself in check….I imagine what others would expect of me and there you have I can become the perfect idealised version of me..(BUT TODAY ITS REAL!!!)…usually with great effort though, especially when my fog is on and my body weighs me down like a lead balloon.
….though today.. TODAY :-D…….My heart is not heavy, I am floating…..and maybe that’s why after so many years I am once again possibly just maybe attempting . to . start . writing . ~HOPEFULLY~Do we have lift off?…..